The Shame Spiral Can Bring You Up

Welcome on this journey of healing.

Today, we'll walk through the shame spiral, a path no one can avoid, and explore how to use it as a springboard for growth and enlightenment.

The human experience is made up of 17 measurable emotions and shame, is the densest and lowest emotional frequency the body can experience. In Chinese medicine the spleen stores this emotion. What happens in the brain when someone experiences shame? Two key areas of the brain are activated by shame: the prefrontal cortex and the posterior insula.

The prefrontal cortex is the part of the brain associated with moral reasoning. This is where judgements about the self occur.

The posterior insula is the part of the brain that engages visceral sensations in the body. According to Ruth Lanius, MD, PhD, this is likely related to the “pit in your stomach” feeling many people associate with shame.

Feelings of shame can also cause the brain to react as though it were in physical danger. This may activate the sympathetic nervous system and trigger defense responses like fight, flight, or freeze.

Shame often stems from intimate experiences, and for many, it hides in our first explorations of love and connection.

I vividly remember my own experience. As a child, I craved a normal childhood, one absent of my father's drunken rampages. In a stranger's house, I discovered a room filled with dolls, a world away from my own reality. That's when "Uncle Bobby" entered. In the room filled with dolls, uncle Bobby made me feel shame for the first time I could truly remember it showing itself to me.

I considered myself a tom boy growing up. I was just as surprised as uncle Bobby that I would be found enticed enough to want to play with dolls. Uncle Bobby sat down on the bed with a worried look. He said" You know you're not supposed to play with toys that aren't yours. He shook his head without looking at me. " I think I may have to tell your father what you've done." At this moment fear filled my belly. I froze like a deer who knew it was being watched as prey. My body knew I was in trouble in more ways than one. He proceeded with his hunt " You could give me something so that

I don't feel like I have to tell him about what you've done."

I already knew what he wanted. I felt it as soon as he sat on the bed. I asked him " What do you want?"

He gave me three options. " You could have sex with me, kiss me, or I can tell your dad."

My mind raced through my options. One thing I knew is that I didn't not want to be the center of my father's attention. The other thing I knew was that sex was not something I understood because I was a child. The kiss paid the hunter to carry on.

The coercion, the forced kiss – it planted a seed of shame that festered for years. Every time I encountered a first kiss story I felt my body fill with fear and shame all over again. I would make up lies about my first kiss to my friends. Because I held on to my shame, I invited more opportunities for shame to occur in my life. Like a magnet, lustful men prayed on me for years.

At an early age I grieved the moment I was robbed of a wholesome first kiss story. Now, I understand that was a moment of healing from the trauma.

Shame isn't the end. It transitions into guilt, the feeling of not doing enough.  "Why didn't I fight back?" This guilt fueled a growing apathy towards physical connection.

Grief followed. I grieved the innocence of a normal first kiss, a rite of passage stolen. To numb the pain, desire took hold, manifesting in unhealthy choices like underage binge drinking alone in my closet daily after school.

Anger, a natural response to injustice, burned towards my father. Why did he fail to protect me? Blame was covering my eyes.

Years passed, and a distorted sense of pride emerged. I was "normal," I had survived. But this pride was a fragile mask.

True healing began with courage. Speaking my truth, shattering the silence that had imprisoned me. This was the first step towards reclaiming my narrative.

Through forgiveness, I found neutrality. I saw my father's pain alongside my own pain.

Acceptance came next. Accepting the past, accepting the parts of myself that mirrored my father.

With acceptance, understanding blossomed. Why did my first kiss have to happen this way? The answer, when it arrived, unlocked a wellspring of love. I could not experience a better life for my self if I blamed my pain away. I could not be where I am today without the shame that grew inside of me. Love for myself, for my journey, even for the pain that had shaped me.

This love washed away the remnants of shame, making space for joy and peace.

This cycle – shame, guilt, apathy, and so on – repeats with every hidden seed of shame we unearth. But with each iteration, we climb the frequency ladder. We feel lighter.

Remember, your pain is anchored in the past, but you are not. You hold the power to transform your experiences, to use them as stepping stones to enlightenment. At this very moment. In the now.

This journey is yours, and however long it takes, know that you are strong, worthy, and deserving of love and respect. Walk with me, and let's climb the ladder together. Our paths and experiences will be very unique, but in helping ourselves we serve others.

I encourage you to take a piece a paper. Write one story of shame you body holds, feel it, then take it up the energy channels to enlightenment. Take the chart below, and slowly in your own time, move the pain up and out of yourself. If you can, hold your hands against the earth, and imagine the shame going back into the earth. Allow the earth to pull its roots from deep inside you. Give yourself grace. This path is not a straight one. No one can tell you how to navigate this because it is your experience alone.